Long Blog part 1, Soul Survivor.
im back. yes i am.
the problem with my internet was that netspace changed the password, and my dad didnt change it in our connection thingy, so i've been offline for over a week because of a bad password. its really rather amusing, when you think about it.
life since before soul survivor has been different.
before Soul i was really wondering if there was any point in me staying a christian. i felt removed from god, i was ignoring him, i was indifferent to him. i still loved him yes, i just wasnt letting that affect me. i was passionless. i was questioning. i was tired of christianity.
the morning before going off to soul, i was sitting here, in front of my computer, wollowing in self pity. or something. i was tired from work. i was sad. i was lonely, even though i was talking to people online.
and then soul came. which i am extreemly thankful it did. there was a whole fiasco with tents, which i wont go into, but in the end i called my dad and got him to drop off my 6 man tent for us.
to summarise the whole week. it was laid back. very good for me. it was more artistic, and expressive than hillsong. in that the general atmosphere promoted creativity. there were a lot less people than i imagined. about 300-400.
the sessions were laid back. the music mostly familiar. people got more and more comfortable as the days wore on. until the end, sunday night session, where the side bit was so packed with people dancing and fire twirling (minus the fire) that you could only dance in the one place.
yes. i danced. during the singing (which tended to go on for an hour or so). jess had talked about it during the year, so i knew that dancing was going to be invloved. i think soul wants people to worship God in what ever way the individual person feels led to, or generally how they worship God. not a collective "ok raise your hands" or "jump around like crazy" though these can, indeed, be how you worship God.
i decided i would dance.
so i did. rahter conservativly at first. just swishing to the music. and then by saturday and sunday i had gotten over any quams i had and just didnt care. i was expressive, in a creative way i was not used to. sunday night, after the people in the side bit where we were went up on stage to continue what they were doing, i just was free.
t was brilliant. dancing, swishing, turning, streatching, reaching, twirling, spinning, swaying... all in the golden sunset light streaming in the windows.
i felt that, perhaps, there was two things that God wanted to tell me. he wanted me to get into his word. into the bible. to consume myself with it. that that would be how i would get that passion back. or something like that.
the second thing he used a more direct source to tell me.
i had this feeling of needing to break down and cry for the last couple of days at soul. but i didnt. sure, a few tears came to my eyes, but nothing serious crying.
it was sunday night. after people had been called down for prayer. they were all down the front. i was sitting on a table right of the stage. down the front. i was watching and observing.
i felt the spirit asking me to go down and pray for a girl who was just sitting there, waiting for someone to pray for her. but i didnt move. i froze. after a while i decided that, a way i could get around it, was to write her a little note. so i did.
i returned to perching on my table. and then Kat (from yits, who was there for the night) came over, very deliberatly stood infront of me. looked into my face and said
"you're beautiful".
that flawed me.
i brushed it off with her saying a rather awkward, "err.. ok, thankyou".
but as she left, i could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
it was God.
i styaed where i was sitting, and let the tears silently fall. i tried to draw.
i went off to sit in the dark, with my journal.
i questioned God as to whether he actually did think i was beautiful. and that i needed help to believe that.
and so i sat there, feeling nice and happliy sad, not wanting to move or anything. and then dave (from yits) came over and talked to me. he didnt like seeing me sad and removed from everyone. i was, at that time, reluctant to talk about why i was sad.
one of the highlights of the entire week, was laying in bed at night, next to Laura (from yits) and talking. about guys mainly. it was actually one of the nicest conversations, nice and honest about my thoughts of guys, guy in particular, that ive had in ages. being half asleep and talkative helped.
