long...

again market has made me feel like its already friday, when its only tuesday morning...


my holiday was wonderful. i got lonely, used up waaayyy too much credit (grr to people wo arent with telstra pre paid plus.. you make me spend 25cents on you. :P *grins* ha ha. i dont really mind) sent a total of 6 (i think) letters to people (to 5 people. andy got two letters), each averaging 8 pages... johns had the most, becs had the least. i got to draw. i like drawing, but i am often too lazy and un motivated to do so.
i bestowed on myself a title, a dutchy to be exact. so im a dutchess... not that i really like the image that conjours up, but i like being called "your grace". i also decided that everyone i sent letters to would either be dukes, or dutchesses... :-D!

i swam, i walked, i read. i got sunburnt, i got more tanned. i actually ate breakfast each day. i got annoyed by my family, but by the end i was happy that i was with my family. family is important to me, even if i do take them for granted a little. i dont spent that much time with them, and would much rather be with my friends... but they do matter to me. family is important. its that odd connection that you cant really explain. you love them, even though at times you dont necessarily like them... you know that they will be there for you, they dont have a choice. your friends can pack up and leave, but your family is tied by blood, and, as they say, blood is thicker than water.

the trip home on saturday was alright. i was feeling a little sick to tell you the truth, and i had only gotten 5 hours sleep. but it was alright, never-the-less.
when i started recognising things, i began to feel the longing for home. for greenery. no offence john, but Sale is a little not green enough for me. and i think its the lack of trees too...

home and unpacked. and on the net. aside from have 30 emails (most of which were junk) i chatted to a few people.
dinner didnt really happen. i just didnt eat anything. i started to get hungry at 9, but i wasnt going to eat then...

i had a very strange convo on saturday night. it was oddly honest, and i told this person things that i would never, ever have said to any body, had this person not said them first. the convo actually stayed on my thoughts for most of that night, and the following day. i was sitting in church and i think i realised why. i want to help this person. they have been hurt, and i want to help. it might be that motherly instinct in me (ha!? i have a motherly instinct?) that wants to draw them close, hold them tight, and whisper that everything will be alright. but.. but i dont know what i can do to actually help. pray maybe.

can i get over all of my god crap and pray for other people? well. i have... im still a bit thingy with God. i feel a distance between him and i. or maybe its becuase im putting something before him. ie. guys.

you guys do realise that you are incredibly appealing, dont you?

its a pity i dont know any of you as well as id like to. but you cant rush friendships, and you most certinally cannot rush relationships.

i have decided that this year is going to be a get to know people year. get to know people i know online, offline. to know who they really are. to meet them, to talk on the phone, to send them letters (so they can see my messy hand writing that will always be in pencil).

yesterday i worked. i didnt sleep nearly at all on sunday night. so i was kinda out of it. but i need the money. (isnt it funny how we always say we need something, but really, we could possibly survive without it?) i got home, phoned bec and found out i was going to lunch with her, jane and dave. (yits friends, jane up from geelong). we went for lunch to sofias... ofcourse it was sofias! *laughs* jane was asking questions. i was kinda out of it, and didnt actually say much. mind you, thats more because of the topics. nothing bad. god stuff a lot of it.
we went back to daves house with a big lot of gelati. i actually ate all of my lunch, which was good and the guy did not give me pepsi max, much to my distaste... (i seem to be addicted to the stuff!). at daves house we ate the gelati sitting around his table. again i was out of it, and i was only eating the mint, coffee and some pistacio gelati. i dont really like lemon gelati, and there was a lot of that.

dave showed us some of his art work stuff for year 12. good stuff. :-)! i was lying on the floor, and didnt really feel like moving. dave put on some cirque de sole thing on. little acts, for the sbs series they produced a little bit back. i was laying on the floor, listening to the music, listening to jane, dave and bec talk. and i fell asleep. i woke up with a start, realising that i had fallen asleep. it was a nice little power nap.

jane mentioned, when we were back at becs house, minus dave, something along the lines of :i expected that i could ignor boys until i was 20, then turn 20, meet the right guy, fall in love and live happily ever after" she may have been refeering to a book, or what not. but i realised that thats what i was thinking. i could avoid serious relationships until i finished year 12, and then when i had turned 18, the right guy would come along, sweep me off my feet. we would fall madly in love and get married and have lots of babies.
but i think im realising that its not going to be like that. i cant keep on analysing all the guys i get to know as to whether i should like them as more than friends or not. if they cover the three dot points or whatever. thats hurtful to me, and to them. must i go through liking every guy i know before i am happy to just be friends with him?

maybe its the chase. maybe im only interested in flirting enough to make them interested, and then the thrill dies. i dont know. its all a bit crazy. guys are rather appealing (expecially to hug. strong.. hem.. anyway) but they seem to be getting between me and God. i dont know what to do about that...

i kinda really wanted to talk to bec last night, but she never came online. i semi talked to burkie about the thoughts running through my head, but he was off watching cricket. so i decided to try to explain the concept of the trinity to peter. ha! you know how hard it is to explain something to someone who doesnt know it, when your not sure if you understand it yourself. or you understand, but not sufficiently to explain it to anyone else...
oh well... i finally finished saying goodbye to everyone.
sitting on the toilet, the whole house quiet, i hear some females yelling outside. thats not extreemly uncommon, except for what they were yelling. something along the lines of "oh shit, i hope *mufffle muffle* alright. i didnt mean for this to happen. oh shit, get the car, hurry and get the car. oh shit, oh shit... can you hear me. hurry and get the car. oh shit." and more swearing like that. i froze. i wanted to know what was going on, but i didnt hear any more.
i prayed. a silly simple prayer for them.
it reminded me to pray for other things as well. people. not me.

im going to the movies today. i wanted to talk with bec, but jess (of the yits driving capabilities) asked if i wanted to go to see chicken little. i must admit, im not really going for the movie. but i want to see jess too. i gave her a letter basically telling her all my problems and issues and whats been happening in my head over the past while. the extent of my sexual experience, the fact that i dont think im pretty, and that i havent been eating much. that sort of fun stuff. and i havent talked to her since i gave it to her.
*shrugs*

ok. now that you have a nice long essay of a blog, to make up for the two weeks where you had a blissful break from me, i am going to go.

and thankyou to those who comment. trav, your comments have been nice. :-).

8:42 am | Permalink