forever.

a diary entry that i wrote while on holidays. dated as follows.

Sunday January the 1st.
at night.



Its windy.
for the second day in a row we went to the beach. i clain that i dont like swimming. its a lie. how could i not like it when a splash in the ocean, rocking to and fro in the cool waves, is so enjoyable.
but i guess what i dont like is bathers. not thats im going to go swimming without them, mind you. but perhaps that is just my self image insecurities coming out again.

i liked the beach we went to. it had rocks and rockpools, and numerous things for me to explore. i found several lovely treasures.

a shell, unbroken, but worn by its harsh life in the sea. this causes my mind to drift back to a speech one of my fellow yitsers made last year. (for indeed, it is 2006 now). she likened us all to shells. beautiful in our own individual ways. even if a shell is broken she loves it, and finds some purpose for it. an analogy for God.

God. i feel distant from him. my own doing perhaps. maybe im taking it all for granted. growing up in a christian home, being brought up christian is a nice idea but it makes me question my strength. would i be a christian now i haddnt grown up like that?
i have never known anything else to be the truth. perhaps, becuase i didnt have a conversion moment i somtetimes wonder i really have, converted that is.
i know God is real. its hard to explain why. just like trying to explain why 2 + 2 = 4, or why the skys blue. its just one of those facts i have always grown up knowing and beleiving. the same with my salvation. i KNOW all of that stuff, and yes, i believe it too. oi havent had much choice not to.
i dont understand why i dont want to seek after God. maybe its becuase im lazy, but i sense there is more to it than that. its something which i ponder on every now and then.
perhaos God is getting crowded out of my life.

why is it that i so crave male attention and affection? knowing im loved is nice, and it helps to fight some insecurities i have. being shown im loved is even better. it makes me feel special. being wanted is a whole different feild though. i love having friendship love, but its not something which im content with.
i want romantic passionate love. the be IN love, to be pursued and to be wanted. to love and be loved. this is what i want. this is what i crave.
perhaps this is where those female, single, christian books fail me. i cannot, i refuse to, think of jesus as my boyfriend, or lover. indeed i know he loves me, but its more of a brother sister love, or a friendship love. jesus cannot fulfil me here...
thinking about kissing jesus romantically... ick! it sends convulsions of wrongness through my body. maybe im just too conservative for all of that.

my thoughts always seem to be on some guy or another. i think, in a lot of sectors, most of what i think could be called sin.
lust. an ugly, harsh word, full of so many proconceptions that it doesnt have room to move. i could easily brush it off saying that female lust is different, more subtle than male lust. but that would only be an excuse.
i have flounced on all the bases in my dreams, with some guy or another. it is a deep part of me that stays hidden, locked deep away. the thoughts of revulsion from people terrifies me into keeping it hidden.
i want to be loved and i try in every possible way to put my self in the best light to be so.

A smooth black rock. small, round, flat. perfect, except from some lines of white quartz through one of the edges.
it is cool to touch, but held tightly, for long enough, it growns warm.

it is starting to rain. from the scorching heat of this morning, where even sitting in the shade made you sweat, to tonight, grey clouds, rain, cold wind.
i am curled up in the camper with an overwhelming need to cry. i am not sure why. i dont want to be around people. i am tired and sunburnt.

i sat today, perched on a rocky outcrop, reachable only when the tide was out as the beach. a sheltered cove to my right. i sat and watched. the constant crash and ebb f the waves, squashed between two large rock bits, to force to waves to slowly and, gently, caress the white sand below me.
the wind washed through the semi ravine, to tugg at my hair and bring goose pimples to appear on my bare arms, even while the sun was reddening my exposed neck.

i thought while sitting there. not of anything specifc. my mind flittered through the memories and images quickly, never pondering too long on any of them.

there is a dry, flat, slightly calloused section on the last didgit of my right pointer finger. from how i hold my pencil. i dont know wht i dont use pen more often. i have a great findness for pencil. it is smooth, and slightly rasps while you write.

we sat on the beach last night. new years eve. i say im over it, but i dont know if i am. i say ive forgiven her, and i have, definatly have.
i dont exactly know how to describe it. its like im immune to that part of my life. i so long for it to not effect me any more. to be indifferent to it.
my aunty catherine was talking about dad needing to divornce mum (for yes, they are not divorced yet), so he could emotionally move on with his life. and i guess, maybe shes right. its one of those things we never talk about as a family. dad doesnt mention it, and i dont ask.
a lot of things are like that in our family. maybe im scared of how the question would be taken, or maybe of the answer. but i think the real reason is that im scared i will become emotional. that i will open my heart and burst into tears. and i dont know why that scares me, it just does.

maybe thats why im not ready for a relationship just now. i dont want to keep the non open tradition strong in my children. i dont know how to properly open up to someone and im still deathly afraid. i think i would run again, making up a million excuses as to why hes not the right one, however valid some of them would be.
and so i would flee from commitment, from extending my heart. to relationship, to an understanding, even though they are precisely what i want.

courage is what i need. the fear hand that grips itself around my insides, cold, tightening, restricting. i recognise it so well. maybe it has been there and will remain there, forever...

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