red dress day
frantic rush to hand assignments in on time.
bus was late. picked up people at, literally, every stop.
got to ringwood late, the tabor bus had left. we saw it drive down warryndyte road. pearl asked me if i knew anyone, ANYONE, who could be going in. first thought was Jess. second was Jo.
jo replyed. didnt know who i was.
after several texts, she picked us up, and we got to college late. just. ran into the office and chucked assignments in box. there were others there still. ran back to the car.
eastland. formal dress shopping. after the usual, "Hi Tilla", we went off.
first shop we looked into.
lots of dresses.
tried nearly all of them on. sexy, tight ones.
first was alright. black.
the rest were terrible. various black, red and brown ones. didnt like any of them
and then i came to a backless black on. size 12. tried it on. too big. got the 10 in red.
tried it on. i looked at myself critically in the mirror. halter neck, plunge neck line, exposed back with some cross straps. tight.
i stepped meekly out of the dressing room.
april was like, "oh my gosh, you look amazing"
the woman next to me in the changing rooms was like... "ahh! if i had a figure like that"
the other woman with her said "i give you a 10 out of 10!"
the shop assistnat was like "that looks so good on you" (but shes paid to say that).
i looked into the mirror, and tried to see what they saw.
instead all i saw was my faults.
and i was self concious of the fact it was such a revealing dress. my self confidence was low, i never thought i couyld wear it out of the house. i wasnt one of those sexy people whp wear sexy dresses and get all the guys.
i would be one of those normal girls, wearing a normal, non revealing dress, talking with her friends, wishing she could change something in her to become one of those sexy girls.
and so i put the dress back. i turned away from changing that thing in me. my conservativeness got a hold of me.
if i dont think im attractive, can anyone else?
and so i moved on from that shop, but it set my mood for the rest of the time. to buy and chance it, or not to buy. i didnt find any other dresses i liked.
breifly caught sight of dave in myer. he was walking down the stairs, and i was going to call out, but didnt. *kicks silly insecurites*
kidz klub, after figureing out how to cash a cheque. was dead tired. shopping does that for me. but i made my way through the afternoon. i sometimes wonder if what we do there has any impact on the kids at all. apart from forming relationships. but then, i guess thats what its all about isnt it.
got back into my usual singing songs at kinds klub role. very much like jo, you randomly make up songs. i do that at KK. just me singing, not worrying about the fact i cant sing in tune, or key. or even that the words dont make any sense.
im sure i just do it so that the kids have something to laugh at. i try to take on the entertainer role. how very ESFP..
youth group. suprisingly, i didnt get annoyed at it. made some cynical, sarcastic remakes whole reading the book (purpose driven life), under my breath. but over all, i found those two chapters we read rather helpful. rahter, "hey sam, you read what this is saying.. should you be doing this?" "yeah, thanks God *grumbles*"
learned how to salsa... what a wonderful dance. got better the more i practised. lovely lor taught me. apart from me stuffing up the turns each time, i think i did alright...
walked home. church to my house would be, oh, about 500- 800 mtrs... oh, well, i dont really know. could be 1km almost. (bad at estimating distances). anyway, its all dark, and bushy. the joys of living in the outer eastern suburbs.
i didnt walk home by myself. i would have, but its much nicer walking with a friend. daniel. a year younger than me. definatly a youngest child. im rather fnd of him, just dont tell him that...
oh yeah. this morning i had a short msn convo with one of my old close friends. a male. the one that the friendship died badly, very much our own fault. strangely enough, it wasnt painful anymore. maybe time does heal all wounds. or maybe God does. perhaps forgiving him was the best thing i could have done...
