the assorted rambleings of a tired mind

tiredness threatens to overtake me. my body screams for bed, but i am not submitting. the stubborn streak in me hold fast. like so many things in my life.
is this tiredness just physical. i would like to say yes, i would like to think that my current mindsets havent had anything to do with it. but i am emotionally exhausted. the thought of having to end YITS rips chunks out of my soul. the very thing which i have spent this year trying to gain. i knew that it would have to end, but i has come up so suddenly. two weeks. one camp.
i long to cling close to all those who i hold dear, to be selfish and never let them go. to spend as much time as i can with them. but alas, i know that this wont last forever. in fact, after three weeks i dont know what will happen.

i originally wasnt going to blog anything about that. i dont want to think about the end. i am burying my head in the sand, as usual. perhaps a snail is a very good anaolgy bec.

right. the last few days.
saw pride and prejudice yesterday morning. silly movie got me thinking about relationships again. somehow more people are finding out who i liked that i thought would find out. and i know its going to get out of hand, and then somehow they will find out. why should i be worried about that. im over them... arent i? i laugh at myself, becuase i know that i am. its very easy to unlike someone when you know they dont like you. and for someone who likes guys fairly easily, that is something which i have had to do a lot.
and flirty guys are bad.... (*laughs*) but that would be a whole other blog.

new testament. almost fell asleep during it. bec tapped my head accidently with a peice of paper and woke me up. many thanks. would have been rather embarassing to sleep during class. not to mention rude...
wagged gathering. massaged rach instead.

tuesday arvo, night. at jess's. (not best friend jess, college jess.) bbq for yits people, who ever wanted to turn up. infact a lot of people did. but thats ahead of the story.
jess and i went down to coles to get some sausages and bread, and napkins. there was this short, mid 30's-40's guy there. balding. kinda round. jess and i were looking at bread. he greeted us with a broad smile and a flattering compliment. i exchanged a bit of light conversation with him, then jess and i went on our way.
we walked past him again, and i saw him greet another lady with the same compliment and smile. she was shocked, then as he left, she went on. i saw the shy smile grace her lips. still obviously reeling from something so counter cultural, she made her way along, and glanced behind her to see if he was any where in sight.
this encounter was pushed out of my mind by all the fun i had that night, but it was a little semi God moment.
the night was fun. lots of people. but nice lots of people. nice fellowship together. and only one glass got broken. watched some arrested development. squished onto a counch with kerryn, jo, jess, dave and i. (i think?)
got a fabulous massage by jess. a real one. heat pack, vitamen E cream. lovely. but i couldnt resist giving other people massages too... jess told me off (in a nice way) and told me to sit back down. so i did. it was nice getting indulged, something that doesnt happen very often.
came home, right to bed, aften getting annoyed at Hilary Duff (on rove). not to mention the fact that she was so skinny, but she bought a loius batong (sic?) bag... over $800... *sighs* perhaps stephen said and troy arnott have ruined my life. in a good way, good ruining...

wednesday came too soon. had a dream with nathan and tom in it, and lexie. something to do with gush moderating.
dragged myself out of bed feeling just as tired as i had when i went into it. the cat was sleeping next to me. i like it when he does.

late to college this morning, by 15 minutes. jess had to drop something off at our old school. sitting in the car with bec and Jo (she stayed the night at jess's). i cant even remember how the convo got onto my rebellious mid year break time... *sighs* i thought i could just forget about that. im not as innocent as i look.

caf was alright. kinda boring.

life skills was good. had jim rehner in. talked about politics. now, heres an open invitation to anyone who wants to sit me down and explain to me, un biasly, about politics. cause i dont really care about it that much. the prejudices my dad has against john howard and the liberals is starting to take hold. i dont want to just vote for the same person my dad does. but also the whole concept of having to figure out the different parties beliefs is daunting.

we did swing dancing for life skills. it was fun. i was rather dead tired at the start of it. i was even more so at the end. perhaps the fact that i didnt eat lunch helped that. i wasnt hungry. and people forcing me to go eat something sisnt going to make me eat it. i am too stubborn for that. well, this afternoon i was too lazy to move.

accountibility somehow got onto guys.
i was zoned out for youth min. i was reading Jos critical incidents time line. i feel like i got to know her so much better through it. *smiles to lovely jo*

just finished talking to jess, on msn. she was stressing. i asked her if shed talked to God about it. how much of a hypocrite am i?! i give advice to my friend to go talk to god about her problems, and yet that thought for myself is often supressed so that i cant hear it.
i am tired. this blog is long. i hope it publishes.

oh yeah, please feel free to comment. i know you have the power. i like to feel loved.

11:25 pm | Permalink