mourning
and so i try hard not to cry.
i dont even know why this is effecting me like it is.
i mean, it wasnt my baby.
i wasnt the one carrying it...
it wasnt even related to me.
but i still feel the overwhelming sense of loss.
how can you mourn something you never knew? someone you never saw, never touched, never heard stories about. someone who never breathed any air, who never saw the sun, who never knew the joy of laughter.
i found out that jo and tim lost their baby this afternoon. april came in and said, "jo lost her baby". i didnt know how to take it.
she left the room, and i could see tears in her eyes. she came back in. stood for a little bit, and i hugged her. then she left again.
and then the reality started to sink in. i really just wanted to cry. but becuase i dont like to show that im weak i only let a few tears out, and wiped them away quickly. when i am alone tonight i will cry.
and it seemed like all the people i was talking to on msn dissapeared. i just wanted someone to talk to me, to distract me from the reality, to cheer me up. but no. there was no one.
and so i left. it wasnt dinner time yet.
i went for a walk around the shadows of the backyard. the sun was lower in the sky, and the wind was making me get goosebumpy.
i talked to god. i was employing my lament knowledge. i questioned God. i didnt get angry at him. i am too much of a calvinist than that. in that gods sovreignity is paramount. anyway.
i asked God about fairness. how can it be that two people who want a baby so much, lose their child. where my best friend who doesnt want a child yet, still has a healthy baby inside her.
and then God mentioned to me that all things happen for a reason, and that he has a purpose for everything. and then he caught me out. i was making the situation about myself, where really i was just an onlooker on it all.
i still feel the loss. thats what community should feel. when one person mourns, all should mourn. but it does not directly involve me.
but i still mourn...
