Sad Sam...
*sigh*
i just want to cry.
i am listening to depressing music.
why? ok, let me try to explain why...
all of a sudden, this afternoon i felt so low. life wasnt alright, it sucked.
it might just be a combination of being tired, hormones and not eating right.
so excuse me for another depressing blog about how im feeling.
perhaps the fact which makes it worse is that im thinking about what im feeling, and feeling what im thinking about.
i just want someone to care... to give a damn.
i want to tell someone whats going wrong and not have to worry about it.
i want to be held close and be free to cry.
i want someone to ask me how i am and really be interested in the answer.
perhaps what brought a lot of this on was sitting in class and thinking. about friends. but more importantly about my accountability group. Jess, you know i love you dearly, and this isnt directed at you.
i am just going to say what i feel. im sure i'll look back on it and not feel the same, but i have to be honest to how im feeling now.
anyway.
i dont usually feel free enough to talk about how im really feeling. the security of msn makes me braver. i guess i get so easily discouraged from my accountability group becuase what im going through doesnt seem to be as important as that of the other members.
i guess that ive found that since elyce got back from africa, i havent really connected with her.
havent felt like that with kerryn in a while.
and this is where my silly insecurities come in. thinking if they really like me. again it is the me who takes indifference as rejection. in my insecure self, i like to be reassured that im liked.
there are people now who i dont feel that way about. who i know love me, and like me. but in these low times, my insecurities creep up...
that was one part.
the second part, hearing Jess and Bec talk about moving out.
is it possible to have an age emotion break down?
i have been around people who are older than me for 7 years. but some how, however mature i try to be, i still feel so incredibly young. im 17! i have friends who are 20, living out of home.
most people my age are still in school...
i dont even know why im sad about this...
i feel so young, but want to be grown up so much... i want to be in love, to be married, to have kids. to own a house and a dog and a cat. to be able to go on weekends away, to be able to do what i want.
but again, that same insecurity comes back. the feeling that i wont be good enough, that i will fail. or worse.. that i will never fall in love, and will never get married, will never have children, that no one will ever want to live with me for the rest of their lives...
im sure by the tme most of you read this, i wont be feeling this way on the outside any more. i'll be back to beng same old happy sam... but is that just a mask.. i want to be brave enough to bring it up in conversation.. but i probably wont.
i'll just get over it, like i always do...
but right now, nice slow soft, depressing music is happily fulfilling my saddness needs.
