New, New Testament.
my knee is sore again... last night it was cold, and i had my knee not straight = sore knee...
oh well... i'll live....
this arvo, after one lecture of boring NT, i came back from gathering (which i spent the whole time massaging Lexie) and the room had changed. there were 7 "stations" which were going to go around and do what ever was written on the peice of paper.
a welcome change for the monotony of the lecturers talking...
anyway... station 1 was about how we see our selves, and how God see's us. there were a lot of magazne and newspaper images of people...
this is what i wrote.
" how does God see me? am i just one of the multitudes? does he actually care if i cry?
how ironic that i come here first... in all of my worries and silly insecurities about the way i look, and the way i perceive myself, and how i want others to percive and veiw me. when, in fact, it is Gods view that matters most.
Are you trying to get through my think disbelief God? maybe..."
station 2. playdough, what shapes us. how God shapes us.
"More lord? how have you shaped me to be this person that i am? this cant just be coincidence.
perhaps i've let the world shape me too much, when all i need is to trust God with shaping me..."
Station 3. time management. clocks. rest.
Station 4. in contact with God. candels, pillows, floor. time to talk with God.
"Oh lord, my God... the expectations of this world? to be loved and accepted is so deep in everyone, but why am i still looking for it in other places apart from you?
is life going to get any better? or am i going to stay the same mediocre being. will i feel the intense joy of love, and the harrowing saddness of loss? i want to feel, to be more than just ok...
inner conflict...
am i like a candle, almost at its end. slowly, flickering, ever fleeting..."
Station 5. outside. find a leaf. rest in Gods creation.
"how appropriate that we are looking for a leaf (God talked to me, and likened me to a leaf at the beginning of the year).
delecate and wonderfully formed. so easily set in its ways. so hard to be molded and changed.
lord, do i just pretend that i connect with you in creation?
no... i dont think so..."
Station 6. a bowl of lollies. about our purpose. what we have to do. the burden is light.
"something rebels in me at the use of that phrase. your burden is light... you support me through all things, so why dont i accept that? that helping hand. is it really so hard to me to be vulnerable, weak.... probably..."
Station 7. pillows. purple flowers in a bowl (they smell). hearing from God.
very disjointed. not concentraing on God. thinking about too many other things...
"take heart in the fact that i love you. i know all this pain stems from you wanting to me loved. please be content that i love you..."
in the car on the way home, we had Kat with us. something was wrong. i thought that she was about to burst into tears, but didnt want to do so in our presence. i really wanted to ask what was wrong, but was scared of the answer. such sadness in usually happy eyes. is it all a mask?
is everything just a mask for who we really are? am i really happy? or is that too just a mask? possibly...
