Crippled...

why am i crying?
really, i dont know.
im sitting here, 1:30 thursday. listening to random music, reading a friends blog archives, and crying...
and the worst thing is that im trying to stop myself...
sometimes i just dont get life...

i long to turn to God, but am afraid of what i will find. same goes with contacting uni... same with going to the doctors, becuase what if somethings wrong... stupid fear... why does it have such a hold on me...
wake up at some terrible time in the morning, the same cold grasping hand, thinking, worrying, fearing.
i dont want to be controlled by it, but i fear that i am.
i fear even writing this, publishing it, becuase what will you think of me?
fear what people think of me, that they wont like me, think less of me.
so i keep guarded, only tell certian things, a lot of things, but not everything.
who can i give myself to?

fear rejection, embarrasment, love (yes, i fear the pain that might come from it). i fear making the wrong decision. i fear my fear
why cant i just be afraid of something normal, like spiders, or snakes, or moths.
but no, my fear is so deep rooted in me that i dont know how i will live without it... it is a crutch, something i have come to depend on.
does it take over God in my life? the depressed part of me says yes.
does it cripple me...

conquoring fear, thats what courage is, something i need....

i hate this....

1:45 pm | Permalink