Lament for me
my favourite bible book is lamentations (followed by ephesians, colossians and isaiah).
a collection of poems about the destruction of jerusalem. filled with great sorrow, horrible imagery, aspiring hope, and the knowledge that God knows what he is doing.
i love it.
everytime i read it, it makes me cry.
i dont even really know why i love it so much. perhaps because it touches my emotions, and intices me to feel.
19 I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to
mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we
are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
25 The LORD is good to those
whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
(lament 3: 19-26)
i remember back to prayer and prophecy day for grad. a mention of feeling the fathers love.
i am trying to understand what it means for god to really love me...
perhaps i dont have that great a role model for what a father should do. my own beeing far from the ideal. sure i love him, but...
its hard to explain.
my family isnt close. i feel like a failure often to him. i havent been told, in words, that im loved since i can remember. sure he does, but... *sighs*
you would think i would be over this. that my heart would be so used to the constant downgrading and pain that i wouldnt feel it any more.
sometimes, i just dont want to feel it. i wish these tears wouldnt come.
maybe i need to write my own version of lamentations.
if i feel like a failure within my own family, to my own father, now am i supposed to succeed. i want to hide away. to curl up within a shell to not open myself to be hurt.
i just want to be loved. maybe thats why i seek love so much becuase i dont have it here.
maybe thats why i crave male affection so much.
*sighs*
oh look, another blog full of emo babble. how fun for you... (*sarcasm*)
19 You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.
20 Why do you
always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?
21 Restore us to yourself, O LORD,
that we may return;
renew our days as of old
22 unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.
(lament 5: 19-22)
