remembering
i was flicking through my psychology text book (as my exam is tomorrow. oh yes. can you tell who's exited! oh, oh. not me...) and there was a little reference to new years resolutions in it.
and that made me think about what my new years resolution was.
well, i dont think i phrased it at the start of the year as a new years resolution, but i think now thats what it is/was.
it was to have this year as a year to grow friendships. to become a better friend.
to not pursue romantic-ness, but just work on strengthening the platonic friendships i have.
has that been the case? no, it hasnt. infact, its almost been the opposite. not that i have been rejecting my friendships, but more that i have been more focusing on finding someone to love. and it hasnt worked.
instead ive hurt more people than i have liked to have, liked more guys than i would liked to have and just got hit by the hard hand of reality.
reality is this. im not ready for a relationship. i know why i was supposed to use this year to focus on friendships. so i can learn how to communicate within a relationship. to learn how to have a relationship.
friendships are vital part of my life, and for my future boyfriend/ husband, i want to knbow him on the friendship level for a while first.
my problem has been however, that when ever i gropw a relationship with a guy my hormones take over and i, even if it is very deeply, hidden away, start to wonder if he is the one. (this doesnt apply in every case. so dont freak out if your a male friend reading this :P) and thats not right.
perhaps i have a fear of commitment also. when i get too close to someone i dont want to be with, i push them away.
perhaps im just really selfish and thats the reason im not in a relationship. i always seem to like the guy i cant have, even while i have an offer from someone else.
its the 'we all like what we cant have' thing.
its silly really.
ive gotten close to several guys, emotionally, this year, and then pulled back becuase i sensed that they werent what i wanted. the onmly problem is, i dont really know what it is that i do want. i have i know what it will be when i see it, but judging by previous experience, i doubt it. and.. and i dont want that. i dpont want to constantly be going through my life, early adulthood, wondering who im meant to be with. and then when im with someone, if i can do better. yes, thats the crude way of putting it.
and then god comes into it. he has to, doesnt he? i honestly feel like im drifting further away from God. a friend gave me the advice of keeping accountable with someone who will ask me the hard questions, and make sure i do them.
i mean, is falling in love with a non christian bad? i.. i just dont know.
and then there is flirting. it mucks with your emotions, this i know. but it also feels nice. maybe thats the problem.
i am just stumbling along, hurting people, and myself. and i dont want to hurt others.
i need to seek to grow my friendships.
i need to remember that.
and be brave enough to say that.
Something God challenged me with a few weeks ago, was not putting all my energies into looking for and searching for the girl I'm going to spend my life with. But instead to spend that time and energy seeking after him, and chasing him fully. Learning to put him first as the *absolute* number one in my life, and not to say "yeah, God's the most important thing to me" but my mind being completely consumed by the fact that I'm still single when 98% of my friends aren't. Actually pulling my finger out and getting down on getting God as the first and foremost.
