Whispers...

i dont know where to start this. for the past two-ish weeks i have been happy. seriously content and *searches for a different word for happy*, searching and seeking after God. and not hating the way i look.

much thanks needs to go to Paul, for letting God give me a kick up the but, via him. and to Kat (and various others on Soul) who let God speak through them.

but yes, it was mainly Pauls blunt words which shocked me into not constantly thinking about guys. and that had a chain reaction.
i read my bible more, actually prayed, searched out things which could help people. and becuase i was seeking God, and not looking for my affirmation from guys, i ate. and was, yes, happy with the way i look.

i was blissfully happy for a week or two. but then, the other night, a thought crept into my head. guy thoughts. and i didnt stop it. i grew distant from God, became insecure i my friendships, sought after love from guys and began to dislike the way i looked again.

and that is a horrible trap which i have gotten myself into. a desgusting cycle of which i feel powerless to break. and i dont know any one who feels the same. i feel alone in this, with no one to support me and tell me how to get through it...





some where, in the back of my mind, when i say that, a voice is screaming at me. seeping through my thoughts until i hear it as only a whisper.
"jesus"
"he has been there before you. he supposrts. he loved. seek first him, and then all these other things will come to you."
but i feel ashamed to come before him. i feel dirty.



(written sunday morning, during church.)

10:21 am | Permalink