tired rant
*sighs*
woke this morning to a vivid dream. two guys were in my dream. in my dream i knew them, in real life i dont have a clue who they are. one was in love with me. i was playing with both of their feelings...
and so i woke, feeling both elated at the idea of being loved, and frustrated at myself for being a flirt.
i looked at the ceiling and questioned God. i asked him why his love cant be enough, and why i constantly try to get love and acceptance from other, external places. guys mainly. friends also. society pressures me to look a certian way, and i give in. food isnt a high priority on my list. excercise is getting up there.
i am a flirt. i love it. i hate it. talking with a male friend yesterday, who cautioned me to not let my flirting go too far. i got his drift. been there, done that... unfortunatly. flirting makes me feel good, but i wonder, when i meet the guy i love, will i still be a flirt then? will i be able to stop when i meet him, and after?
i feel sick just thinking about it...
went shopping today. i hated it. december= christmas = busy. too many people, too much noise.
i needed to buy some things, bra's, thongs, pants, shorts, pj's. i got the first two on the list today.
i think i was a little rude to the lady in Bra's n' Things. i was annoyed that she didnt help me, i haddnt really eaten anything and i know that affects my moods. i was tired.
i hated buying into the commercialism and the materialism and the consumerism. i just wanted to find what i wanted and get out of there. in fact, i didnt even want to buy anything. i hated the music that was playing, i hated the fact it was so busy...
i feel so much like a spoilt little child. how can i be 18 tomorrow. i dont feel it. i dont feel any age. i want to cry... i want to be held, but that goes into looking for love in males, not God.
i should go talk to God, but perhaps im placing my own barrier there...
im tired...
can some one just pretend their interested? maybe i just want love from someone, any one. where are you... i need you... please hurry...
U didn't visit me today Sam...tut tut, i'm gonna cry now...that is of courese if you were in fact at eastland.
