Help...

we had a family thing yesterday at my uncle Georges and aunty Catherines lovey house on top of Mount Toolbewong.
for two of my uncles and my own birthdays.
i love my family... i say it like it is.. i love them. i might not like some of them, but perhaps blood is thicker than water...
i think family is a very important thing, and im not very close to any of my family really, but there is still that same connection there... its kinda hard to explain in any other way than love...
i was sitting and talking with my Oma yestersay, about various things of her past, and i was looking into her eyes...
and i have the same eyes! well.. mine have slightly more yellow green in them, and are clearer, and are brighter... but i still have relativly the same eyes...
that was a strange thing to realise.

went for a walk yesterday too, at uncle georges. he started to make a track off into the bush (they have a very lovely property, a lot of it is just the native bushland, not touched at all) and when i got to the end of the track, i kept on going...
climbing through fallen trees, standing on half rotting logs, killing the bracken in the path i was making... and then i heard a crashing a little bit further on than me, and i could just ever so quickly see the rear end of a dear running off.... it wasnt being very quite about it...
but then i climbed onto a really large log and just stood there for a very long time... i just cleared my mind, let it wander and, i dont know, talk to God i guess...

after saturday night i havent wanted to think about Mr Green, and i made a silly vow to myself to not initiate conversation with him this week, but i dont think i would do that... i still want to know him as a friend... anyway, so mr green is bye byes...

as a matter of fact, saturday night was crazy... i just wanted to cry, and i didnt know why... i was tired and lonely and insecure... all fun things like that when i get tired... and i just really wanted someone to hug and cry into...
anyway, so i went off and talked to God.. or he talked to me... i wrote...
and then i came back, and by some strange linking i found out i was related to Andy! and that was a really pleasant suprise... and made me all happy again... i really could not stop smiling...


*******************

"help me to be strong... i cant do this without You... i need You... please..."


i wonder.. whats going to happen in the future... i mean, this year i got used to the constant support.. i mean, who will ask me how im really travelling, and expect an honest answer...?
is there anyone left who i can trust, who i feel cares enough about me to ask me how i really am... and wait around for the answer...
sometimes it really doesnt feel it..
i mean, im going to go off next year, and will i keep in contact with any of my friends? i mean, msn is nice.. but it doesnt match real life... and this year has been so painful and hard between me and my best friend, just trying to see each other.. is it going to be any different between me and yits friends?
and i know yits was about forming good habits, but, have i really formed them? are they known enough to be natural?
i think not...

how can you differentiate between care, love, like and fond? i love my family, and some of my friends enough to tell them so... i am fond of a great many people... and care for nearly all of those? but is there something that im missing?


this is a silly disjointed blog thats happened over more than two hours...
im fighting the urge to like mr green again... but no... i am trying to be patient...
oh, and meeting people = helpful...

*sighs* going now... im not sure if this makes sense at all...
the little curious person in me wants to know who reads this blog.. has my readerage changed at all? have people stopped becuase of the utter bordem of it all? possibly...

4:20 pm | Permalink