whatever...
i want into jess's house and the first thing she says to me is
"shit samica, youve lost weight" (this is even funnier seeming as im sitting here eating junk food) but yes, shes right... ive lost over 3 kgs since i last visited her (6 weeks ago?)... this is good... except i need to buy more clothes...
anyway...
yesterday was good, aside from the fact that after jess and i and her mum got home from the movies (saw the brothers grimm.. bleh... dont bother seeing it) i just really wanted to cry and go home to my own bed and house... perhaps this was becuase i was tired, or perhaps it was becuase that on the way home both jess and her mum were dissing asian drivers.. a lot...
they tend to diss a lot of people, though ofcourse they wouldnt say that they were..
and for me, who hates bullying, and intolerance, and unacceptance... and who always trys to look for the good in people not the bad... i got rather angry..
yes, angry... not angry enough to tell them to shut up.. but i got my feathers (hypothetical ones) ruffled...
anyway.. after a frantic message to dan, where i was trying very hard not to cry, things got better...
jess and i got into bed (silly me forgot my pj's so i just wore one of her old tops) and we talked.
i asked her where she was with God... what her fears about her baby were... and if she was going to keep it...
and she is... we even bought some baby clothes today... just some hand knitted cardigans and things...
i fell asleep talking last night, but luckily so did jess.
*******************************
ok, big break there...
am now thinking about mr green, who shall remain anonymous. this is crazy... it would never work... i just wish i could.. will... meet him, so that this could all get sorted out...
*kicks it*
*kicks it all*
i wish i had never mentioned anything, well not this publicly.... cause then, like all my silly other crushes, could just get forgotten and could move on.. but perhaps i dont want to..
it feels like ive made a whole big deal out of this, and as a result other people expect me to do something... either stop liking him, or do something about it in the other direction...
this silly sick feeling in my stomach... i want it to go away.. fear... but is it? maybe...
maybe not..
im not sure any more...
perhaps, i only like him as an ideal. the fact that he inspires me to like God more (ok, ok.. thats wrongly said) is something ive decided i really admire in other people, and would like someone like that in my life...
perhaps its just the fact that i want someone... *sighs* maybe this is all coming back to my wanting, needing to be loved.
i have this silly theory in my mind that goes like this, gods sitting up there, and he knows that i want to be loved, and he sees me try to get that in every other place but him, and he wont bring anyone into my life, or allow me, or encourage me, or show me who im supposed to love until i love him. like the one thing i want hes going to stop me having... like, i want to get married relativly young, but in this theory im going to get married when im older...
like murpheys law, but different...
and i know thats probably wrong..
*sighs* i seem to head knowledge know a lot of things, but are they put into practise? maybe being does follow doing, but i guess you have to have some smidgen of heart knowledge and belief before you fully do something...
last week i was in a flirty mood (which some of my male viewers might have experienced).. this week i dont know what sort of mood im in, a sad, tired, emotional, wanting love mood... but not flirty... i dont think im at the right stage to be... *sighs* perhaps i like the confident flirty sam more... but hey, if that was only me, how annoying would i be... i couldnt put that on my friends the whole time... flirting messes with peoples emotions unless you know where each other stand, but even then it does...
right.. i think i should leave this here... i have already spent more than 2 hours (not all at the same time) writing here...
