Ranting....
the sam is sad... she wants to go run off to her room and cry.
why is she sad? mainly cause she doesnt know whats going with her sister. she loves her sister very much, but doesnt know how to relate to her. *sniff*
why is it that i always feel ive done something wrong....
today hasnt been a complete waste though... i stood at my window this mornng, looking out. the sun was shining, there was a lovely warm breeze. and there were flowers growing on the snowball tree just outside of my room. it reminded me that the year is coming to its end. its OCTOBER! i mean, im 18 in just over two months.. does that scare any body else? well.. it certinally scares me.
i guess i want to remain a child for the rest of my life... but at the same time i dont. sometimes i just want to bury my head in the sand and wake up in 5 years.... be married, and have a child. *sighs*
will that ever happen? not the head burying, but the family? id really like it to.
and that comes to point number two. i read a friends blog this morning, and she had a link to an article about marriage, and the cost of putting it off.
http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001145.cfmafter reading it i realised that i haddnt been very open to people pursueing me. saying things like "im too young' or "i dont want/need a relationship right now" or even "i dont want to have a relationship until i have my relationship with God better".
this would have cut off any chances i could have had at the time (however, i really doubt that there were any chances... *shrugs*).
i mean, i do want to be pursued... i do want to be married. i want to have kids. i want to spend the rest of my life with someone...! i want to be in love... *sighs*
mind you, i havent been really interested in anyone for a while now. (was i ever?) i mean, silly crushes dont count. i mean seriously interested... (does that even make any sense?)
or have i and i just shrugged it off like i always have?
i guess one of my main problems with having a relationship is that i dont want to get hurt. and perhaps im lazy. i mean, when i look at the relationships of people around me they only look like hard work, if they work at all. i mean how will i know that i wont do the same thing as my mother and bail from a relationship.
how do i know that i will be strong enough, loving enough, selfless enough, giving enough to have a relationship? Burkie said that i'll never know unless i try it... mm, possibly.
but that doesnt lessen my fear. i want to be strong and all those things, but the niggleing doubt in the back of my mind tells me that i wont.
or perhaps im not deserving enough to have a relationship. i mean, if i cant have a good relationship with my family, and if some friendships are slowly failing, how would i go at a loving relationship.
(ok, im getting really over writing the word relationship... )
and, ever since reading a whole bunch of books that have endoctrinated me on dating, i havent wanted to date just for the fun of it. perhaps this has also made me less able to have a relationship. i mean "what if hes not the one!" will i always be looking over my shoulder wondering if ive let "the one" pass?
*smiles* it is hard for me to realise that there is more than just one for me... but i do know that...
well.. you know what! i do want a relationship! and i shouldnt be ashamed of that! now... to find an ENTP.... (*laughs* dont worry about that... a silly result of a silly personality quiz... )
sorry sammy that i make you feel so confused and upset - you're the best sister that i've ever had.
it's interesting to see the same thinking in your head - am i able to make such a big committment and make it last? who knows, i guess. but in my humble opinion, you already do a better job at that than anything i could do. you have friendships that have lasted for years and years (even if they begin to dwindle), and i don't think i've ever had a friend for that long. don't worry so much, and just enjoy life darling.
love you sammy,
~april
