Sharing..

good morning my dearly loved avid blog readers...

i have gotten over my utter annoyance at the computer yesterday. had written a full blog, and went to publish it, and the computer froze... how frustrating.

anyway. yesterday. monday. i actually quiet liked the morning class. about injustice and the like. it strikes a chord in me. i used the word conviction to someone yesterday. i feel convicted to do something, to make a change. but then ofcourse came my fear, and complete lack of knowing what to do. i told her that, yeah, i should do something, but what, and how, and can one person like me actually make a difference. i know the answer to that. of course i can make a difference, but i still dont know what it is.
a couple of years ago my church had a Social Justic and Enviroment Network... if i were older back then i would have joined. but alas, its not around any more...

perhaps i am actually passionate about injustice. not retribution justice, but reconciliation, rightousness justice.

funnily enough, this morning when i randomly opened the bible, i opened to Micah 6:8.

He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of
you?
To act justly, and to love mercy
And to walk humbly with your God.

ahh, the good ol' Calvinette's verse. the TEAR Australia verse. probably the most common justice verse...



ok.. what else was i going to write yesterday. oh, thats right. i met with Jacqui in the afternoon break, and just talked. shes my facilitator, and i havent really spoken deeply with her yet. we talked about my mum a lot...
i dont often talk about my mum. i dont know what to say. she had an affiar. left when i was 10, and ive seen her, like, twice a year since then. im 17...
perhaps i am just deflecting the pain of what happened.
i seriously think that i have forgiven her. but i havent forgotten...
in my mind when you take on the task of having children, its something you do for life. a responsibility that you can just forgo.. which is what i think my mum has done.
i love her very much, and i do want her to be happy, and i wouldnt be the same person i am now if she haddnt left. but that doesnt stop me from thinking she was a little selfish, or a lot selfish in leaving. and i could get angry at that, but whats the point... i cant change it now.

there were more things i would have liked to talk to her about, like not eating, and umm... yeah.. that.
the thing is, that i dont look in a mirror and not like what i see anymore. its, wow... this is working, so i'll keep doing it... and its stupid, and crazy, and not good for my body, but yet. im still doing it. and getting worse.
im not that bad yet. i still eat everyday.
the little christian part of my brain tells me i should pray about this. but right now i dont want to. to do that would mean stopping what im doing... and i dont think im up to that yet.
and even God is telling me to stop believing what the world thinks of me, and to believe what he thinks of me. and that if i grow stong in him, he will shine through and be my beauty. but its hard. so hard...


yesterday was an odd day. last night i just wanted to cry. i dont know why. but i didnt. i was sitting in bed, with my art jornal over my knees, me wanting to draw, but nothing came out. i was thinking too much. so i just went to sleep.


how can i be almost 18, but still feel so much like a child.

9:41 am | Permalink