sick cycle carousel

work has been quite stressful lately. its not even the fact that i'm now working full time hours, i think its because everyone else is stressed.
i love my job, but recently i've been thinking about looking for a new one.

there is this new guy at work, called Dan. he's a humanist (raised catholic i think), bi, and so totally full of himself. now, i'm not the hugest fan of arrogant people to begin with so having him around has been quite the struggle. and i'm not the only one who feels it.
i resolved to be nice and friendly to him. i mean, i do have to work with him, but things just keep irritating me.


and for a while now, for the past few months, i've been having self hating thoughts, often to the extent where i do actually hate myself and want to hurt myself to punish myself. (and sometimes have).
i used to think that people who hurt themselves or felt this way were just doing it to get attention, but that's not why i'm doing it.
i don't have the strength to stop the thoughts. the thinking how stupid and sucky and dwelling on all the bad and crap things that i am. like why i have no friends, what's wrong with me, how i keep messing up my relationships and so on.

and to top this all off, i don't feel God. i know He's around, i know He is real, i know that it's all my fault and that just makes things worse. i know in my head all the things i should be doing, saying, blah blah. but i don't feel any of it. nothing.

i never thought that i would be the one to become depressed, never. and i hate living like this. i look at the scratches on my arm from where i dug my nails in and i feel scared.

i don't feel i have the strength to get through this alone.

7:53 am | Permalink