Emo-coaster

well...

it has come to that point in time where a blog has been welling up, but i am unable to properly express what i feel.

i realise now that when i get tired i am more prone to that emotional rollar coaster i go on a bit too frequently.

i am frustrated. i want to cry, i want to yell and shout.
i want to tell him how i feel.
why i get annoyed, irritated at him.
but i dont.
i already feel like a failure as a friend, and to sever that ever more would hurt me as it would hurt him.

how did i get this way.
i feel... feel...


i get so worked up, but the only response i can do is form tears. why do they come so frequently now adays. it cant just be hormonal.

i am waiting, waiting for a sign. but it wont come, becuase i am waiting for it.
i am forcing god into a box, willing him to reveal himself to me, but he wont, becuase i am manipulating him.

how did i get this.

i need to let go, but, but i cant. i am clutching at this edge and praying i dont fall. i cant pull myself up, and the blackness under me is threatening to engulf me.
but, but... maybe letting go, i will find the bottom to just be below me.

i am paralysed by fear, by laziness, but my own crazy memories and horrible past.

i thought i gave that to you God, i thought you took it! why do you let me takew it back.
i dont want it, its yours.
so why do i still clutch desperatly to it.

why do i push him away.
why why why!


i hate this god... i hate it.
and yet, i...


i feel constricted.


"what im standing on is sinking in, and i dont have a clue how to get off it...
underneath this smile, my world is slowely caving in,
all the while, im hanging on cause that is all i know.
could you be the one to save me from every bad habit, that has helped me dig this hole.
ive been hideing out for miles,
underneath this smile..."







so i sit here, and still nothing gets accheived. my toes begin to chill, and the red texta on my fingers is starting to smudge.
that cold grasping hand is twisting its way through my inside. i can feel it, and i possibly even help it. i take shallow breathes, and feel my muscles tense.
i dont know why i do this. i dont even know what triggers it. in fact, i dont even know what this is.
sometimes, i wish i could be happy all the time.
to hide behind that cheerful persona which i can produce so easily.
but, i let the emotion show. why do i do that?

can you wear your heart on your sleave, when you dont know what that emotion is?


"So I won’t give up
No, I won’t break down
Sooner than it seems life turns around
And I will be strong
Even when it all goes wrong
When I’m standing in the dark I’ll still believe
Someone’s watching over me "

11:02 pm | Permalink