(-_-)

i am afraid of writing this post.
because i am afraid of being open.
in my blog home i have always felt safe...
i dont fear offending anyone, i fear that my emotions will be out on the line.
no one likes being hurt, and im no exception.
i have been hurt enough in my life, and that has taught me to keep a guard up.
in recent years, that wall has been coming down.

i havent liked a guy, in a great many years.
oh no, i get the new friend crush, but i always wipe that away. i tell myself im silly, and i convince myself not to like them any more.
i thought it would be the same this time.

through a string of, thinking i like him, telling myself i was silly and stopping, and then it all happeneing over again, i was kinda confused.
i finally got comfortable in my, i sort of like him. or i could like him if i let myself.
until this week.

im not going into detail, except that for a while i was rather happy, and i let myself actually like him.
i decided that i wasnt scared of the emotion any more...

and then today happened...
already tears had fallen from my eyes from reading a rather sad book (Red, by Ted Dekker), and then this happened.
the thing i had feared.
i dont even know why it made me that sad...

perhaps it was a reality check...
i dont know, but i cried.
i really wished that there was someone who i could have just called up and cried on the phone to. or sat with and cried on their shoulder.
but there wasnt anyone.
there isnt anyone like that...

so. im not sure exactly what to feel now.
i allowed myself to like him, but now, that seems pointless...
i guess i cant really do anything about how he feels,
but, but
you know that little voice whispers to me, that he doesnt like me because im not good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc.
that i must be annoying, and that no one will like me, ever.
i even have the little voice telling me i should stop eating again.

and i am trying to fight them off, but im hurt, and broken, and sad, and vulnerable.
and, i dont feel strong.
i want to be strong.
i dont want this to bring me down, but give me time to be sad.

i will be ok... i will have to be.
thats always been the case.
i dont have any choice...

9:58 pm | Permalink