Wineskin's
how did i become like this?
i was the one who shied away from physical touch,
who was too scared to sit next to the guy i liked,
who got embarrassed when a guy complimented me.
how did i change?
when did i change?
what caused it?
i could keep questioning myself, trying to define when exactly i stopped caring about physical barriers, personal space, when i started gaining more male attention. male touch. male anything!
perhaps, i think, God is challanging me to change my lifestyle in regards to that.
i am doing this "the hardest 30 days of your life" book, which i stole from becs house. todays was about lifestyle.
the first thing that came to mind was flirting, and other various things which follow from that.
i have to trust that God, who has helped me and definatly shown he has helped in other aspects of my life when i called out to him, will get me through this. that i have to be strong, but i can only do that through his strength.
unfortunatly, the first step, each step, has to be my own feet taking it. with God there, supporting me, holding me, teaching me. but it sill has to be ME.
and you know how hard that will be? how painful, how difficult? to break away from things that i want to be happening, for the moment. and yet i know, that i must.
it would be so easy for me to continue down this path, casually flirting with all (or most) guys, getting a reaction, and getting the boost from that.
unfortunatly, things go further than just flirting.
sorry. this isnt very easy for you to understand, i know. you arent in my head, and i dont feel i can say exactly whats going on. perhaps because i dont know who exactly reads this, perhaps because im scared to, perhaps becuase i dont want you to think badly of me.
or perhapos becuase its not really as big a deal as im making it out to be.
how can you tell other people what you yourself are feeling?
and with that, i'll leave it there...
