Failings.

ok. let me get this straight.

this morning, when i left my house i did not imagine any of this happening.
infact, it still feels like a dream. something that didnt happen to me.

i am eating a very large peice of chocolate cake, becuase apparently thats what you do. i am sunburnt and sick feeling. but thats all mundane news.

i dont know what im supposed to think right now. or what im supposed to feel.

yes, i know that what i did today i shouldnt have done.

im not the kind of girl that does that normally. heck, i dont want to be the kind of girl that does that normally.

but just for a while there, today, i was.

now before all your imaginations run away with you, i havent had sex. havent even been close. so ask me, instead of presuming.


i feel like im making a big deal out of nothing. this is what the world is telling me. god seems distant. but im sure that that is self imposed.

this isnt really going anywhere is it?

do i regret it? no. no regrets. perhaps you find that strage, but i cant live my life regretting every bad move i make. instead i will learn from them, and grow from them. i will become a stronger person (christian) from them.
i have only a few regrets in life, one being not doing maths in year 12. what i did today is not a regret.
maybe you think that i should regret it, becuase that would mean i wouldnt do it again.
would i do it again, right now? yes. to be bluntly honest, yes.
again, you probably think that is stupid. perhaps you are right.
perhaps i need to go back to what several people were trying to drill into my head. i cannot keep looking for my love from guys.
but today i felt loved. physically loved. that was something i craved for.

again, you are probably thinking not very highly of me. you might have a right to do that. you might not.






i feel so alone in this. i cant see anyone that could relate, or properly empathise. whats the point in being open if you dont think people care...


i dont need more condemning and judging thoughts. i have enough of them from myself.



truthfully. i dont know what to do in this situation. what do i tell him that wont hurt him, and make him think i was just using him (which i wasnt).



how can something which is so bad, feel so good?



ha ha. i just heard my dad talking before, about being proud of God... how badly i am failing there...


this needs to get processed more...

and we all know that this blog is private... and we all know the consequences of broken trust...

9:38 pm | Permalink