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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Out burst
you know what...
im so sick and tired of being the one who initates friendships this year, particualry in YITS. perhaps i should just stop all together. would anyone care, would anyone notice? the spark of hope in me says yes, but the big black cloud says no, that no one reallys gives a damn. i just want to know that people WANT to know me, that they are genuinly interested in who i am. not what i have to offer them, or anything like that. that people notice me.
and right now i am pissed off, and angry and hurt and i really really just want to cry. and i always try to control my emotions and always be happy, so i think that every now and then im entitled to be upset.
i wasnt going to post this, for fear of upsetting anyone. but you know what, right now i really dont care. why should i always be the one who has to compromise. cant i be the selfish one for once? and i probably will look back on this later and wonder why im so upset, but right now im being honest to how i feel.
and yes, i hate being angry at people, i want to like every one, but im a person who takes indifference, or similar, for rejection. i just want to know im lovely, loved, and have people interested in me...
is that too much to ask for? ..... probably.
im going to go find a wall to kick, and then cry into my CB. atleast i know that she cares.
hello lovely friend.
I have a fair chunk of similar problem, not all the time.
I worked stuff out the hard way, love them regardless, pursue them regardless. Yes it still sucks, it does work. I have to say its been only one person's encouragement (consistent) that has kept me afloat the past while in affirming me as a person. Sure there are comments from others - I never know how sincere.
However when you start loveing people. living it (which takes a heck of a lot of work) it impacts you - not to make it the motive, but mmm.
another thing. Being blunt, honest about it also works.
hmm you aren't in Yellow (YITS) but a few weeks back I was all like: hey this is where I'm at, I'm feeling that YITS is a bit cliquy at the moment. Voicing it was probably dumping me on a bit of a limb, however I had others after say... oh I didn't know it was like that, let me know/I might put a bit more effort into noticing.
Im not saying the outpouring as much of yourself to alter/replace the gap of need isn't draining, it can be. hey it is. but it's something you can do. Give the damn about others.
I see this in you Sam, because you do go out of your way, so just to encourage you in that. and poke me or something if I go all indifferent. ahh its so easy to get wrapped in yourself.
love bec
