Openness
i was talking this afternoon with my accountability group about openness and talking about "deep" things. how i never really say whats on my mind, honesty. yet i expect other people to share with me, honestly and openly. and i guess, if your reading this blog you probably have some form of care for me, (either that or your really REALLY bored) so please allow me to speak about something which i never really talk truthfully about.
you know what? nearly everytime i look in a mirror i dont like what i see. and a little voice in my head tells me to stop eating so i can get thinner and therefore be prettier, and there fore be more attractive to those around me. and i obey. i struggle when i eat because i love food, but i also have this deep desire to be accepted and to be loved. i dont have an eating disorder, im not that bad.
i know that God doesnt care about what i look like on the outside, and that i should find my value and my acceptance in him. but there is a difference between knowing, and knowing.
i dont think that im ugly. just average. now i could blame it all on societies contant pressure to comply to the stick thin figure to be attractive... or on my dad who is constantly talking strongly about overweight people in words like, desgusting, revolting, and the like. but that would only be ponting the finger. the real problem is with me. perhaps this has gotten worse over the past yearish since i graduated latst year.
i dont know where God and i are at with this. i guess its one of the many issues that in not working on right now. or perhaps all of my issues are inter connected and none of them will get resolved until the others are involved.
but there you go, some shareing for you. i dont know what your going to do with that, you dont have to do anything with that. but there is some of the deep stuff i dont really talk about.
oh, and btw, the last post i did was when i was very upset. i went to bed last night and cried, then i felt God tell me to stop be so selfish, to stop thinking that the world revolved around me, that other people relate to others differently. still.. i dont know how im going to let down the barrier that shot up again... i hope i can.
and bec, you are great. there is no issue with you. i feel comfortable around you which means you couldnt really do anything wrong to stop that.
