shakings from a rambley sam

i think i have the flu.

my whole body aches, and i just want to sleep all day. i have half lost my voice, and have a lovely cough to back it up.

and i cant stop shaking.

last night, i woke at 3, after going to bed at 2 from finishing my psych report, and i was shaking. and shaking. i got up to go to the toilet, and i couldnt sit still. i was shaking. i tried to stop myself, but that didnt work either.

usually my sheet, doonah, two blankets and quilt are enough to keep me warm. but no. last night i was desperate. i was freezing. so now on my bed are those things, and two sleeping bags. i got warm after that.


i was seriously stressing last night.
when you stress your immune system is lowered and you are more susecptable to any virus, or disease that may come your way.
and there is no cure for the flu. influenza. its a virus. you can only hope to prevent it by having flu shots (but even then you could get a different strain), or manage the symptoms.
why do i know this? more useless knowledge from year 12 biology.


i got asked last night (ok, technically this morning) about why i wanted to stop doing the course im doing. its becuase i dont like it. if im not interested in something i find it very hard to get motivated enough to learn. i know that im not supposed to be in this course.
why? becuase its not where my passions lie. its not that i dont find some parts of it interesting, indeed i do. but overall, there is nothing in me that goes, 'yes, this is great. this is for me. i love it!'

its not even becuase i dont see me, at the end, making a contribution to society. but i dont want to become a psychologist, or sociologist. or what not. thats not where i want to go.


i shocked my aunty on sunday, i think, when she was asking me about what im doing and what i want to do. and i gave her a rather honest answer of wasting time until i got married and had kids.
no, dont get me wrong. i do want to get a qualification, and get a full time job, and be able to support myself. but really, my goal for my life is to get married and bring children into the world. id love to be a mum.
and sure, thats a few years off, but it is my plan.
until that time, i dont know.

if i could make a living off being an artist, i might jump at the opportunity. i dont pretend to be that good. i dont pretend to know very much about art. but i like the fact i can use it to express myself. i need to be challanged to grow, to expend my ideas, and to take risks.
to look at art courses. visual arts, or fine arts.
the problem with art is, 1, materials are expensive, and 2, you need ideas. original ideas. many of them. and the ability to analyse them, and change them, and grow them.
i got told at prayer and prophecy to give my creativity back to God. and to ask him for ideas. i am trying to do that. but clearly not enough...

another thing i would love to do would be a park ranger. yes i know, not very glorious sounding. but, to be outside, in gods creation. sure, it would involve cleaning a lot of toilets and maintianing walking tracks and things.
i loved biology in year 12. it was my favourite, and best, subject. even before art. yes, the teacher had a lot to do with that, as he KNEW what he was talking about.
i have had a secret, sometimes, fascination and joy about the environment.
but environmental courses would involve analysing, doing experiments. its a lot easier to not do those things. but, then it might be fun.


i dont know. sometimes i want to give in with the whole uni thing. and just find a full time job and work.
perhaps, perhaps, at the end of sememester, if i cant change mid year into something else, i will take the rest of the year off study and work.


i did however, wake up this morning, and figure out how to make tables. what to put in them for my psych report. i feel better about that. :)

9:08 am | Permalink