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Thursday, August 25, 2005
my Five Critical Incidents thingy
warning! long.. again...this is the write up of my 5 critical incidents thing... written in my journal at 12:30 last night, and typed up this morning... its probably really crap, but i am too tired to worry about that atm.enjoy...ps, feel free to comment, so that i actually know people are readint this.. would be helpful... so then you too can become my dearly loved blog reader...Amanda
In every group of people, there is one who is less liked than the others. That was Amanda. I did not really notice it, until I became friends with another girl called Carmen. Carmen and Amanda hated each other with a passion, and so I, being friends with Carmen, was included in that too. Except for the fact that I actually did like her. I was never going to be best friends with Amanda, but I never had a problem with who she was. All of my other friends just ignored her, and sometimes picked on her. We would often talk about how annoying she was in little groups, and then plainly look over to her. I knew she could hear.
I remember thinking to myself, at age 8, that I did not want her to be left out, and I didn’t like it when she was picked on. So I would try to befriend her, to include her and to mediate between her and my other friends.
Unfortunately, more often than not, I would give way to peer pressure and not stand up to my friends who were teasing her.
I look back on this time and realise that this is when I first started to notice that I do not like it when there are people left out. Throughout my life I have tried to befriend the “unpopular” ones, often resulting in me becoming unpopular and disliked. I still have times when I give way to peer pressure and I don’t stand up for the other person. But now I have more empathy for those people who are ostracised. I don’t know where God works in all of this, but perhaps it was him placing Amanda, then Emily, in my life to grow this ‘passion’ I have.
Mum Leaving
Before the whole incident, I remember we were going to move to Queensland, to the house we own there. And life was going to be happy and normal. Dad probably would have made us go to church somewhere, but because mum wouldn’t have been very enthused I don’t know how long it would have lasted for.
But that’s not what happened.
I remember when I was in year 8 in Melbourne, talking with April, saying that if mum hadn’t have left we would never have come to Melbourne, and probably would never have become Christians.
I wrote in my blog last night, after the lament service, about my mum.
I don’t talk to God about mum. I guess I don’t really talk to anyone about her. I guess it’s a topic in which there is too much pain for me to bring up. I know that if mum hadn’t left I would never have come to Melbourne and probably would never have become a Christian. But still. It is a terrible way for God to work... or perhaps I’m looking at it all wrong. Perhaps its human sin which caused mum to have an affair and leave, and it was God who worked through the situation to bring some goodness from it.
I think that really sums up how God worked through my parents break up to draw me closer to him. I needed to feel helpless and hurt and lonely to understand that I actually do need to be saved, that I couldn’t do it myself.
I guess I could talk about how mum leaving has affected me in my relationships with others, with my non openness with my feelings and emotions and my strong want for me not to get divorced. But that would be off topic. I have already mentioned how I think God has worked through this event.
Leaving Leigh Creek
This was the first time I really had to say goodbye to anything, or anyone I really loved. Goodbye to my home, goodbye to happiness, goodbye to childhood, goodbye to friends. Goodbye to mum.
I described myself as feeling numb. I was. The pain was intense but no tears were left. I had an incredible sense of loneliness.
Over the years I have attempted to fill that void with many things, food, guys, friends. None of which have actually done anything to stop the pain. Friends, that is how I cope at the moment. I don’t like going places by myself, and where ever I go I strive to make friends, so that I won’t ever be alone. It’s the safety net of friends. Unfortunately if you try to know everyone, you will never know anyone deeply.
I recognise now that when I left Leigh Creek I went on a journey, seeking a way to fill my empty, lonely void. I know that void should be filled with God, that I should seek after him to fill it. God wants me to seek after him so that he can fully reveal himself to me. Unfortunately that has a lot to do with trust and surrender, things I don’t do well, so I still try to fix my own wounds with my friends, instead of fully with God.
Jess
Jess has a lot of problems. She was hurt as a child and is looking for love everywhere apart from God. She holds onto her pain very tightly, and has anger at those who hurt her.
Thanks to being friends with her, I have learnt to become unselfish and to really listen to other people when they talk. To try to comfort and help them.
Being a youngest child and being very spoilt, I thought for a long time that everything needed to be my way that the world revolved around me. Thanks to the friendship with jess i have learnt to think less of myself, and more of other people.
Unfortunately, sometimes I take this too far. Now I always try to be happy for other people, to make them happy. To always comfort other people while not allowing myself to be vulnerable and be comforted.
It is good that I try to be unselfish and to help other people, but it’s bad that I can’t let anyone do the same for me.
This is something that God and I are working on. I don’t quite understand how God is working and shaping me through this, as it’s a continuing process. But it has grown the want in me to help other people.
Sailor Moon/ Drawing
Mum was always a crafty person, sewing, paining, knitting. You name it, she did it. She encouraged April and I to join her in some of her crafts, like making rag dolls, and painting pet rocks. I enjoyed all of that very much, but I was never a very committed person as a child.
I fell in love with Sailor Moon (a Japanese anime/manga) when I was in year 9 or 10, and it was what really got me into drawing. Maybe God did give me drawing talent, I don’t know, but I did have to work hard to get anywhere near good. Well, good in my eyes at least.
Sometime last year I guess I had the thought that maybe God wants me to use my art to contribute to his kingdom. For a while now I have been complacent in my art, not really pushing myself to get better, or to develop skills in other styles. And I know that I should try to strive to be the best I can for God, so that I can glorify him as best I can with my art and so that he can use it for his purposes. But I’m lazy. That’s why I’m appreciative to people who encourage me to be better, who aren’t happy with the level I’m at now, who tell me I should stop being on the internet, and go draw something.
I guess what my art means to me is that it is something which I enjoy, which I am semi good at, and something which I can do and use to worship God.
