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Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Lament
today for Group Focus we had a lament service, that is being angry and sad at God. this is what i journalled duruing the time.oh God. how can i be angry at you? i can be angry at family and friends and life and at myself.... but at you? you are the soverign God, the creator of all... who am i to judge your actions..?i know that in the middle of my pain you are there, somehow, feeling this pain with me.lord, im not angry at you. im angry at me and all the things that ive done to hurt you. all the stupid mistakes that i continually make.trust and surrender. such foreign concepts to me. to me who is the one who acts as if everything is alright, who is always making herself happy for other people.and then i wonder why no one comforts me. i guess all i really want is for someone to be interested in me... for them to first ask "how are you"... (this is where i actually start to lament to God... where the tears start to come hard and fast, where i wanted to moan out, but i didnt. i dont... how hard it is for me to act uncomposed...)God.. is mum going to hell? am i going to be forced to spend eternity without her, like i am now?(God speaks)My child, i am here and i love you deeply. i cry with you but dont harden your heart to those around you. let them be me to you and comfort you.(then i went outside for a little walk, went down to the river and agressivly threw a stick in after attempting to break it... it was a thick stick! and then i walked up to the road and watched the cars go past. the sun was shining)my child your life is a journey. there will be busy times, times of peace and stillness. there will be times when you feel my presence and love shine upon you and warm you, and there will be times when you dont.i dont talk to God about mum. i guess i dont really talk to anyone about her. i guess its a topic in which there is too much pain for me to bring up. i know that if mum haddnt left i would never have come to melbourne and probably would never have become a christian. but still. it is a terrible way for God to work... or perhaps im looking at it all wrong. perhaps its human sin which caused mum to have an affair and leave, and it was God who worked through the situation to bring some goodness from it. hmm..
